Day Three- Release anger

You. Once a hero, my constant source of inspiration, someone i looked up at and aspired to. You, with your winning smile and bursting sense of confidence, you, who always knew what was right, who was always right and contageous in his self-righteousness. You, the man-god, worshipped by the whole family. You, the one who was once a world to me, the one i loved more than anything in the world- where are you now?

No longer a hero, no longer the god-figure, merely another lost soul, cast down from the pedestal in my eyes, sunken to abjection- tangled in his own mistakes and endless lies. You hurt me once. Then again. And again, and again, over and over. It killed me. More than once. Yet i would resurrect myself and all the splinters of shattered faith, trying to glue them together, trying to trust you once again, and still loving you, like nothing or no one in the world. Forgiving and forgetting all the hurt and disappointment, and constantly yearning for your love in return, your attention, your affection, your support.

I wish you were there when i needed you most.
I wish you were there for me to lean back on, when there was no one to catch me when i fell. i wish i did not feel so alone every time you left me with a broken heart and wounded pride, killing not only that love, but all the respect that one could have for another human being, a family, once a hero, now a nobody.

You were a world to me once.

And now...

Now i'm angry. No longer hurting, no longer waiting, no longer in need of your love, your affection or support.

I am full of anger that's been building up during all these years, and never got a chance to be expressed. I am venting it now. Once and for all...

I am so angry at you for hurting me so badly, not just once, but many times. I am so angry at myself for letting you do that to me, and never doing anything in return to prevent it from happening again. i am so angry at you for hurting not only me, but my brother, and my mother, and my grandparents. I can't forgive you for what you did to them, your own parents, leaving them almost placeless at such an old age. For hurting them even worse than you hurt me. I am so angry at you for refusing them that one thing that would make them happy- your attention. i am so angry at you for leaving them in disgrace for your own actions. i get flaming mad at you every time i see my grandfather tearful and ashamed of the dirt that you left behing after you were gone, and left him alone to deal... I am angry at you for ignoring my mother's pleas to do something to help my brother when he was growing up and was in such need of a male figure. I am so mad at you for constantly critisizing my mother about her way of brigning us up, and yet not even lifting your finger to do anything to help her...

I am angy at you for your selfishness. For your constant lies. For your arrogance and self-righteousness i once found so appealing. I am mad at you for your high flown words and the promises you constantly broke. I was so angry to hear you say how proud you were of me and my accomplishments, when you didnt have even a single contribution in helping me in the process and had no clue how hard it was for me to get there.

i am mad at you for failing to establish even one normal relationship with anyone around you who once used to love and respect you.

i remember how painful it was to get over the loss of all the respect that i had for you. I remember spending an entire month in bed, not wanting to do anything and grieving, like you'd grieve a death of a loved one. Perhaps you really died for me then- but this anger is still alive and still tearing me apart. There was a time when i was so full of spite that i could hardly breathe. That was what got me out of bed, finally, the spite, the burning desire to get better, to get on my feet and make something of myself, but this time not for your approval and recognition, but out of sheer spite, so that i could throw it to your face "There, i did it. Alone. Without you..."

And now, from where i am at this point, i no longer need this spite or anger. Just like i no longer need you and your encouragement, reassurance, support or love. I've long learned to live without those things, and get along without anyone's support. I no longer need your approval. Or recognition. I am happy where i am. i am happy that i got to this point on my own, without you being there to even watch. i am happy without you- and by letting you go,i am letting go of this anger that's been burdening me all this time.