Sometimes i wonder whether I will ever be completely healed and whether full recovery is possible, but then I start questioning what recovery really is and what it is that I'm trying to heal from. Is it merely a functional disorder? Is it mental? Emotional? Where did it come from in the first place? Surely it was not some kind of a virus floating around in the air that I was unable to resist and fight. I was truly astounded to realize that there is so much more to it than merely distorted conception of body image and unhealthy relationship with food, weight and one’s own self. Just like it isn’t something that I can wish away and get rid of overnight by a sole desire to be normal. If there's ever such a thing...

Perhaps what I’m trying to recover from is lack of self-esteem, self-respect, confidence and self worth. From my own fears and inabilities to cope, deal and accept the limitations and finiteness of life with all the stress and frustration that come along with it. Or my own skewed perceptions and inadequacies. From painful and traumatic experiences that were never properly address and dealt with in the past. Or all of the above… In that case the recovery is going to take a lot longer- perhaps even a lifetime- so I guess I should look at it as an ongoing process rather than some kind of end result. It does take a lot more than desire, determination, committement and will power. Perhaps this is the hardest thing that I will ever accomplish in this lifetime. Perhaps full recovery is not quite possible, and i will have to be constantly on guard, looking out for signs, symptoms, watching my own thoughts. Perhaps all I can hope for is learning to deal with it and my own self day in and day out- and yet I’m hopeful, I’m willing and I know that I’m healing.