Blame yourself all you want. For not being better prepared, for not being able to better respond to stressful situations, for not being able to foresee and prevent them. Blame yourself for looking for outside sources for help, support and affection. For having high expectations of other people and situations, for having expectations in the first place. But refusing to acknowledge that your expectations of yourself are too high for any human to be able to meet.

" i should have been better, smarter, stronger, smarter, and what not else"

perhaps i should have. perhaps i could have, but no matter how hard i tried, it would never ever be good enough.

what difference would it make? Would life be any different? Perhaps i would not grow up feeling so alone, and in need of affection. Perhaps i would not be so full of spite and self-loathing. Perhaps i would not have spent so much time and energy in agonizing over "if i were better, stronger, prettier" and would actually spend that energy on something creative- like my own life. if only i wouldn't interpret the actions and behaviors of other people based on my own self-image. And not think less of myself because of that.

It's overwhelming to realize how long i have been stuck in this mental loop of self-defeating thoughts. Even more disturbing to try and break out of what has become a deeply engraved habit. A habit just as strong and destructive as drug or alcohol addiction. A habit that not only claimed all of my self-confidence and sense of self worth, but almost cost me my health and my life.