Harsh

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Why?
Why am i doing this?
Till when can I continue abusing myself with every possible way imaginable, how much longer will my body continue enduring this self-mutilation until it stops dead right when I am starting to find so much joy and passion for life…

To realize that a consequence of my actions can fatal, and death IS a real, tangible possibility—it IS possible to die, it is very possible to die, however hard it is to see it at the moment.

Yet, at this point, it is not death that makes me want to recovery. Ironically it’s life itself that makes me want to be healthy, normal, adequate, fully functioning- to be able to enjoy it in its every aspect- it’s realness, it’s immediate right here, right now, right in front of me and all around me—and just like I tell myself that I want a life that’s real- I need to become real myself, before I can feel the realness of life itself.